When God decided to teach me to trust Him, He withdrew everything and everyone. I was in students ministry but I slept hungry. I walked distances I hadn’t earlier. I suffered loneliness and sort of abandonment.
I have all my life known my parents can die for me…they can sacrifice anything for the sake of their children.. This time round,I couldn’t understand what was happening. They were not calling to find out how their daughter is doing,they were not sending any money,the few calls I made went unanswered and they didn’t call back,didn’t reply my texts. My siblings,no communication. I don’t even remember where they were.
My 3 closest friends disappeared. No texting back,even when I’m so open that I’m in real need of basics. No answering calls,no calling back. People who could sit overnight listening to me if I had an issue..who we loved each other selflessly. I mean,,,they were the “Peter,John and James of Jesus” to me.
It crushed me. My trust was diminishing completely. I lost breakthrough in prayer and Bible study. No one around me ever noticed.God in a way caused me to deeply hate and fear explaining my situation to anyone.
So on one Saturday I went to a prayer center with a very clear goal. To write letters.To my parents asking whether and why they no longer care,,and whether I’m suffering maybe because they never released me with their blessings into the ministry.
Letters to my friends-why n how they aren’t there when I need them most, yet I have never betrayed or hurt them…none of them knew the other is absent for me. None is too close to the other ..each is sort of independent from the others.. So no influence was there.
A letter to my future husband,, wondering where he was…at least he would have been there for me for moral and spiritual support when all else fail. Why he hadn’t come earlier,at least to be with me through such a moment.
So I went.With my pen and notebook ready to begin,with so much bitterness within, I paused a moment and decided, let me in only 2 mins thank God for where He has brought us as a family.. Then proceed to write the letters. Oh! 2 mins turned to an hour plus.I was overwhelmed by the reflections of how much the Lord has carried us through and how He has changed our story .His faithfulness melted my heart. I was lost into thanksgiving.
My heart was healed. I wipe the last tear and as I pick my notebook again,I’m no longer writing bitter letters. God whispered to me so clearly “I wanted to teach you to trust me because you’ve had such a strong support system in your family that you think you trust me enough but honestly you trust me with a back up plan of your parents at the back of your mind-” True,, they pray for me, they provide,they are available,I feel they can’t fail me. Then He helped me see how much my family loves me. How it would hurt them to know they acted like they don’t care. And more,that if at any given point I feel my parents are not being the best I expect, I should never get bitter about them..because they rarely know what being well parented,,what having parents who are available to you is. My dad lost his dad some moments before he was born so he doesn’t know what it is to have a father. Mum lost her dad quite early in life.and for both, their mothers,and them too, struggled to make a living. So whatever little or much I see I should greatly appreciate and pray for them to be better day by day. knowing they’re building from scratch they have no role model parents to emulate. And as one speaker said in Commission 2017 said ,God prevented his parents from providing, though they were capable of catering for all his needs without straining, so that he would learn to fully trust/ rely/depend on Him. I’m sure God did this too to my parents and friends. So that I learn to trust Him and not the confidence in my friends and family for love, care,provision and moral support.
I left there so strong and joyous. Fact is,it was all so different. I was vibrant!!radiant!! Encouraged and ready for whatever task given,but nothing had changed regarding my circumstances. I still didn’t have money,didn’t have enough food,didn’t have my friends but I had God,and the assurance of His active presence and loving kindness in my life. I knew I had Him.And that He cares. So I was at absolute peace even in the lack. I was no longer bitter,I was no longer lonely,God filled up every bit of me and I felt so intimate with Him.
Interestingly, that evening, my mum we talk n I think dad too. But I remember them feeling very sorry that they got too busy and forgot to send me pocket money,and finding out how I’m doing. They gave me a beautiful surprise and remained consistent. Also asked me to remind them if I feel they’ve stayed long without getting in touch or supporting me. I was buying some vegetables I even remember the exact point. What an excitement!!!!
Almost immediately after that, my friends got back so closely and caring, with no accusation from me about their unavailability. (When you learn that it’s God working on you,you don’t blame people. You learn the lesson and move on lovingly). Everything was back to place in better and deeper ways. One friend,the closest of them, disclosed later that he’d known me quite well and knew how much I can withstand without breaking. So,God had so clearly instructed him to stay off me for a while because He wanted to me to rely entirely on Him,that if this friend was there for me as usual I wouldn’t learn. Since this was so clear and deep for him,he couldn’t disobey, so he stepped aside. I found this interesting. I hadn’t shared what God had told me on teaching me to trust Him absolutely,he was several counties away from me so he had no idea of what I was going through. But I thank God I learnt.
By the end of that experience I was transformed. I learnt to take God as my closest and most intimate friend. Closer than all else. A confidant. That if anything even the slightest excited me, I would share it with Him before I shared with anyone else. And so also for my pains,subtle and deep. So this ensures I’m stable as I know I already sorted everything with God before it gets to my significant others. This keeps my intimacy with God,my worship,my faith intact and unshaken in whatever situation, because in the closet moments He steadies my heart. I value Him above all else coz I know He sticks closer than a brother. I no longer tremble at the things that shake others. I’m sure I’m a stronger lady,More resilient and useful to the society.
Mmmmmm, So God wanted us to be left absolutely alone…He and I… So that I don’t by any chance attribute any support,revival,and breakthrough to anyone except Him. When God takes everything / everyone of value from you, it’s not because He doesn’t care. He’s inviting you to another adventure into intimacy and trust with Him. Feel the pain,but accept to learn and to lean on Him,to fix your eyes entirely on Him. See how He still sustains you even if you don’t sense Him. He’s there with you. If He left you wouldn’t survive. Hold on to the end. The result is more valuable. However long it may take. May He give you the grace to stand and to be moulded.